1. |
Tits of Steel
03:11
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‘TITS OF STEEL’
THINGS ARE NEVER WHAT THEY SEEM
TWISTING AROUND YOUR DREAM
IT’S TWISTING MY MELON MAN
APPARENTLY I’VE GOT TITS OF STEEL
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME JUST HAVE A FEEL
BUT DON’T INCUR THE WRATH OF MY KILLER HEELS
I’LL MAKE YOU PERMANENTLY FROWN LIKE IAN BEALE
I’D LIKE TO POINT OUT THIS IS NOT AN ANGRY SONG
MY MIND SUDDENLY WONDERED AND IT TURNED OUT WRONG
BUT AS LONG AS WE’RE HERE I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE DO
I’M GONNA SHRED SOME GUITAR LICKS JUST FOR YOU
I’VE GOT STEEL TITTIES
THEY MAY WEAKEN YOUR KNEES
MAKE YOU SAY THANK YOU AND PLEASE
HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE
I’M ANNA SECRET POET AND YOU CAN’T CATCH ME
AND I’M COASTING ALONG QUITE MERRILY
WITH A COUPLE OF TUNES AND SOME POETRY
I’M BRINGIN’ TRANNY BACK – SO PLEASE STOP AND STARE
I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BREATHE CONFUSED AIR
IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE THAT’S FINE BY ME
ANOTHER SATISFIED PUNTER MAKES ME HAPPY
HOW DOES IT FEEL
HOW DOES IT FEEL
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE TITS OF STEEL?
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2. |
My Ideal Song
02:06
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3. |
Eyebrows!
01:54
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'Eyebrows!'
Eyebrows eyebrows talkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows thinkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows lookin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows!
HD lady painted up a treat
It’s early in the morning and your makeup is on fleek
I’m hypnotised and fascinated
My own caterpillars got me frustrated
Eyebrows eyebrows talkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows thinkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows lookin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows!
Monobrow mistress never gonna thread
Not a single drop of wax is ever going to touch your head
Society gasps as you stroll along
You don’t even know you are in this song
Eyebrows eyebrows talkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows thinkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows lookin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows!
In my eyebrow daydream I lick your face
To see if your eyebrows come off and find out how they taste
(METAL BIT)
EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE BROOOOOOOOOOWWWWWS (x2)
I raise mine like Sir Roger Moore
Oozing cool from every pore – at least I think so
Brezhnev and Brooke Shields too
Can’t ever hope to have a pair like you
Eyebrows eyebrows talkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows thinkin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows eyebrows lookin’ ‘bout your eyebrows
Eyebrows!
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4. |
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'I Don't Know Any Funny Songs'
I don’t know any funny songs
Or songs that will amuse
I seem to specialise in ones
That mostly just confuse
The other day I thought of one
But then it disappeared
I think it just escaped into that
Man over there’s beard
Imagine that! A funny song
Nestled in your facial hair
Or better still a song at large
Inside your underwear
Would it keep you awake at night?
Cos melodies don’t rest
This one has unknown properties
Of which we can but guess
I don’t know any funny songs
But maybe I can learn
Though I know my sense of humour
Can at times cause some concern
A joke that I find funny
May disgust and appal you
But what’s the point in playing it safe
That’s not my point of view
Though I draw the line at necrophilia
And bestiality
I’m embarrassed to have mentioned them
Accept my apologies
I probably should end it here
Cos I’ve run out of steam
And I’ve strayed too far
From my initial theme
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5. |
Star Wars Pants
03:09
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‘Star Wars Pants’
I’m putting on my Star Wars pants
My lucky lucky Star Wars pants
The force is strong in me today,
I’m putting on my Star Wars pants
I want to disco I want to dance
Womp rats get out of my way!
Stepping out in my Star Wars pants
My lucky lucky Star Wars pants
Gonna tell the Empire I don’t care,
Stepping out in my Star Wars pants
I’m hypnotised I’m in a trance
Feel like a wookie without the hair!
Don't want to evade a Darth Vader
Don't wanna chew on a Chewbacca
Someone please hand me a Han Solo
Look over there - look - Luke Skywalker
Taking off my Star Wars pants
My funky funky Star Wars pants
Fold them in anticipation,
Taking off my Star Wars pants
I look to the sky and realise
That’s no moon that’s a space station!
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6. |
Bog Standard
04:17
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‘BOG STANDARD’
I’M NOT TALKIN’ ‘BOUT REVOLUTION
I’M MERELY DISCUSSING ABLUTIONS
THEY TOOK AWAY MY FAVOURITE TOILET
AND IT REALLY UPSET ME
BECAUSE I’M VERY PARTICULAR
ABOUT WHERE I CHOOSE TO PEE
NOW I WILL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER
AND I’M FILLED WITH IRE
BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER TOILETS
IN MY IMMEDIATE VICINITY
THEY TOOK AWAY MY FAVOURITE RESTROOM
AND I’M NOT VERY AMUSED
NOW I’VE NOWHERE TO CALL MY SANCTUARY
OR DEPOSIT MY NUMBER TWO’S
DON’T THINK THAT I’LL GET OVER IT
I’M UNCERTAIN IF I CAN
THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER
LAVATORY OR TOILET PAN
I’LL JUST HAVE TO HOLD IT IN
TILL I GET HOME
I’LL HAVE TO FACE IT AND GRIN
TILL I GET BACK HOME
I’LL KEEP IT AT BAY WITH A DANCE
CAUSE I DON’T WANT TO PEE MY PANTS
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7. |
Anna en Francais
03:33
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'Anna en Francais'
Ooh ohh yeh yeh!
I wish I was french like Brigette Bardot
Not stuck in dreary old Glasgow
Strolling along the Cote d’Azure
I’d like that very much sil vous plait monsieur
But I was not born with dignity and grace
I don’t have Francoise Hardy’s face
But I’d settle for her wardrobe that’d be fine
And a bottle of vin – that’s French for wine
Ooh ooh yeh yeh!
I wish I was French but I’m Scottish instead
I don’t eat baguettes I eat plain bread
I’s like to be more cultured but I don’t have time
It’s a shit excuse but at least it’s mine
The language of love is undeniably cool
Though I don’t remember much from school
Just the words that amused me, the days of the week
Saucisson, fenetre and magnifique
Je suis desole – cela n’a aucun sens
Je suis ecossaise – non parlez francais
You might have guessed!
I wish I was French like Marie Antoinette
But as long as I get to keep my head
I need it for eating and talking to you
I’ll maybe even sing a song or two
Do you dig Jean-Paul Sartre or Serge Gainsbourg
Catherine Deneuve in ‘The Umbrellas of Cherbourg’
Then you can feel free to come with me
As I set a course for gay Paris!
Ooh ooh yeh yeh!
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8. |
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'Why Won’t Cheerleaders Come Near Me?'
I know why there’s thunder and how rainbows are made
And that Lannister’s debts are always paid
I think I know the reason why
The Himalayas are so high
I think I know Meatloaf and Sting’s real name
And all the words to ‘There ain’t nothing like a dame’
I know lot’s of musical terms
That I wish I hadn’t bothered to learn
But there’s one thing I gotta know…
Why won’t cheerleaders come near me?
I know why Americans don’t call tomatoes a fruit
And why you shouldn’t cook a fry up in your birthday suit
I know loads of useless facts
Like the date of birth of Andrew Sachs
(he played Manuel in Fawlty Towers, born 7/4/30)
I know how to say ‘where’s the monkey?’ in french
(ou est le singe?)
And I know who’s responsible for that awful stench
(sorry)
I think I know how to moonwalk
Cos I’ve been watching Michael Jackson like a hawk
But there’s one thing I gotta know…
Why won’t cheerleaders come near me?
Do they think I’m goona steal their pompoms?
Why won’t cheerleaders come near me?
Is it because I look kinda freaky?
Is it because I don't know how to do endings endings endings...
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9. |
Apple or Ape?
01:34
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10. |
Catch the Tiger
03:06
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'Catch the Tiger'
Get up off your feet and catch the tiger
Get up off your feet and catch him now
Get up off your feet and catch the tiger
Though he’s much faster than your average cow
Climb onto your ship and chase the Viking
Climb onto your ship and chase him down
As far as I know there were no female Vikings
So ‘him’ is an unacceptable pronoun
Modern living’s hard but you can be too
(if you put your mind to it)
Here’s some words of encouragement just for you
(I’ll tell you what to do!)
Go into your fridge and eat the cheesecake
Go into your fridge and munch it down
Of course a cheesecake is just an example
Whatever your preference – swap it round
Now…
Calm the fuck down and stroke a kitten
Look at her wee face hear her purr
Now calm the fuck down and stroke a kitten
Manoeuvre your hand across her fur
Modern living’s a bitch if you don’t mind me saying
(That’s the mildest word I could muster)
Here are some foolproof ways to cut through the pain
Go back in time and tickle a T-Rex...
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11. |
Let's Get Horizontal
04:30
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‘LET’S GET HORIZONTAL’
OOH CAN YOU FEEL IT?
THERE’S MAGIC IN THE AIR
AND TOO MUCH UNDERWEAR
OOH WE SHOULD LOSE IT
AS SLOWLY AS YOU PLEASE
I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TEASE
OOH CAN YOU FEEL IT?
PRESSED AGAINST YOUR FLESH
IT’S GETTING MORE INTENSE
OOH WE SHOULD DO IT
LIKE WE’VE NOT DONE IT BEFORE
I’M GONNA SHAKE YOU TO YOUR CORE
I SAY OOOH LET’S GET HORIZONTAL
I SAY OOOH LET’S GET HORIZONTAL
I DON’T WANT TO DEPRESS YOU
I ONLY WANT TO IMPRESS YOU
EVENTUALLY I’LL UNDRESS YOU
AND I WILL LAY YOU DOWN
TAKE YOU TO PLEASURE TOWN
OOH CAN YOU FEEL IT?
IT’S PRETTY HARD TO MISS
THERE’S NO ESCAPING THIS
OOH WE SHOULD DO IT
LIKE THE WORLD’S ABOUT TO END
ON ME YOU CAN DEPEND
I SAY OOOH LET’S GET HORIZONTAL
I SAY OOOH LET’S GET HORIZONTAL
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12. |
Plastic Poisoning
01:52
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'Plastic Poisoning'
Plastic fork – plastic knife
Plastic feelings – plastic life
Plastic spoon – plastic plate
Plastic bottle – rehydrate!
It’s gonna gonna gonna get you
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
It’s gonna gonna gonna get you
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Plastic arms – plastic legs
Plastic penis for plastic sex
Too much plastic in your life
Plastic husband – plastic wife
It’ll get you in the end
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
It’s definitely not your friend
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Plastic ego – plastic mind
Plastic reasons for you to find
If you see a plastic man
Melt him down and start again
Feel it creeping down my throat
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Steals the wallet from my coat
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning
Plastic poisoning, plastic poisoning…
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Anna Secret Poet Glasgow, UK
Anna Secret Poet is a genderfluid singer/songwriter and model from Glasgow and she has been defying genres, genders and expectations on stages up and down the UK since 2016. You can find her bothering stages at a variety of different shows in the central belt inc cabarets, drag shows, comedy nights, spoken word events and grassroots rock gigs. ... more
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